When You Are All That’s Left

©2013, Paulissa Kipp.  All rights reserved

©2013, Paulissa Kipp. All rights reserved

WHEN YOU ARE ALL THAT’S LEFT

I have written and rewritten this post a total of 21 times over the past several weeks, unsure what to say and fearful that pain would leak from every pore onto the page. My finger hovered over the delete and publish button more times than I care to admit.  Ultimately, however, I decided that it was important to tell my truth, to own up to my mistakes and to share in the hope that it might help someone else.

Sometimes, things are just sucky – there is no way around it. Sometimes, we just have to walk through the pain, learn what we can from it and move forward with love. All else rises from that place.

 
A few weeks ago, I wrote about my 1st ever camping trip (If you missed it you can catch up with the deets here: https://paulissaisms.wordpress.com/2013/06/10/8-lessons-learned-from-my-first-ever-camping-trip/) and how it unfolded not as a trip full of wonderful memories, but rather as the source of a lot of discomfort for all who went. High expectations, too much trying to orchestrate fun, boundaries that were not respected, sensory overload and so much more occurred on that trip.

 
In the weeks since the trip, I have spent a great deal of time evaluating what happened. First, let me say that I readily accept my responsibility for what happened. I allowed compassion and a desire to be a friend to a person in need to cloud my knowledge of conflict of interest. As a legal assisting student, conflict of interest has been drilled into my brain since day one. Yet I failed to listen to that strong voice in this instance and the consequences were swift and harsh. Had that not happened, the trip would not have happened and the ensuing fallout would not have occurred. I accept responsibility for my lack of proper judgment. We managed to trigger and annoy one another; things were said or left unsaid by both of us that were hurtful. The person who knows your pain is most capable of hurting you with it – either by acknowledging or not acknowledging it. The fallout from the trip and the fact that neither I nor the person in need feels safe in terms of a.) me being able to express my needs or exercise my self-comfort rituals and have them respected or b.) the person in question not feeling traumatized (due to their own background) by being asked to remain within boundaries means a lot of change is taking place.

 
In the weeks following the trip, I have been terminated from my volunteer position at the facility where I taught journaling for depression. I have been banned from the program, . I have lost a support system that understands mental illness without having to explain to people who do not themselves experience it. There is tremendous comfort in a shared experience. I was nearly banned from attending a memorial service for a fellow student until the person in question stated that they were OK with me paying my respects but again “don’t feel safe being asked to respect boundaries.”
The person in question then used the memorial service to strut up to me with a member of their family and ask “How much do you and your husband hate me?” First, a memorial service is not the time or place to grind one’s ax. Second, I don’t hate anyone but I will say that I am beyond disgusted at being told that if I am claustrophobic or triggered by things next to my face that I should check myself into a mental ward. No, maybe YOU should stop waving shit in my face, talking for 4 hours non-stop or crying for 4 hours nonstop and my ability to handle the talking and crying has nothing to do with me being bipolar. I don’t know any “normal” people who wouldn’t find that annoying as shit.

 
The follow-up question: “Do you think we can salvage our friendship?” The short answer: There is nothing salvage because when a person states that your need for your reasonable boundaries causes them trauma and reminds them of their abusive parent, there is nothing. I cannot say or do anything that will make that person feel safe without sacrificing my own well-being. My boundaries are: Don’t wave bright lights next to my face when you know that gives me migraines and please let me have a quiet moment when I ask for one – either by shutting up or not getting offended when I physically remove myself from your presence or energy. The person in question needs to take time to recognize that by asking others not to express their needs in relation to the behavior exhibited, their own recovery is stunted. Not being able to respect the needs of others doesn’t help us to navigate the world in which we live.

 
I have learned many things from this painful experience:

 
1. Don’t allow emotion to cloud your better judgment. Ask yourself “What could be lost if I choose this?”
2. Sometimes, the person who knows the most about your scars are most capable of re-opening the wounds.
3. Simply because a person has a similar background, that does not mean that he or she a. understands your point of view or b. is not without his or her own biases toward how you choose to navigate the challenges presented.
4. In difficult interpersonal situations, accept responsibility for what you contributed but accept nothing more than that. It takes 2 people to have a misunderstanding.
5. Always allow your values to choose how you will proceed in a situation. While I harbor no ill will toward the person in question and wish them well, I have no desire to be a friend or support person. Know your limits and honor them, damn the torpedoes. The torpedoes will fly whether you take care of yourself or not.

 
So where do I go now? I am spending time in self-care so that my helper’s heart can heal. Right now, I don’t feel as if I have anything useful to offer others in terms of comfort, support, nor do I have the desire. I need to heal the broken heart before embarking on a new venture. I am continuing to ready the launch of the Creative Link online course and am finishing up the Phoenix Uprising Manifesto. Stay tuned and remember, never sacrifice your AUTHENTIC SELF for another.
Much love,

 
Paulissa
©2013, Paulissa Kipp

8 Lessons Learned From My First Ever Camping Trip

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Ahhhhhh. . .camping.  The great outdoors, s’mores over the camp fire, sleeping in a tent under the stars.  So romantic – until it isn’t.  This past weekend the hubber aka David, a traveling partner and I embarked on a trip.  Ohhhhhh we had high hopes and optimism for the trip:  lots of fun and sun, laughs and memories in the making. We loaded up the van and off we went.

LESSON 1:  Claustrophobia is unpredictable and presents itself in situations that one might not expect.  Especially when one has PTSD and panic disorder.

Yes, I have known about my claustrophobia for some time.  I did not think it would manifest itself on the ride up.  Yet the combination of cramped quarters with no real leg or elbow room, not being able to see around me much and items shifting and hitting me in the head brought on the panic.  The heart began racing, I felt as  though I couldn’t breathe and I had to ask to switch to the front seat.  A solution easy enough to accommodate.  We made the adjustments and continued on our way.

LESSON 2:  Tents make me claustrophobic if the wind is blowing the walls around my face and there is no room to move. 

We arrived and set up camp and went to dinner.  As we were leaving, I stepped into a crack in the pavement and sprained the ankle.  We returned to camp just as the rain began to roll in.  Lightly at first, then intense and  wind-driven.  We took refuge inside the tent and tried to sleep.  Unfortunately, the proximity of the walls to my face brought on flashbacks.  The hubber and I ended up sleeping in the KOA pavilion for the remainder of the trip.  It rained and was cold (50 degree highs every day but the day we left) nearly the entire trip.  Our traveling partner was disappointed that a) I was injured the 1st day and b) that she just wanted everyone to have fun and it was starting off poorly.

LESSON 3:  One can try to orchestrate fun to the extent that no one has any.

When one invests a good deal of time, energy and money into planning an excursion and has firm ideas of what to accomplish, visit, etc in a day, the expectations can become a burden.  Disappointment on the part of the person who did the planning and stress for the person who is unable to keep up for whatever reason.

LESSON 4:  Semantics can divide.  Triggers and boundaries are not one and the same.

Triggers are situations in which one feels vulnerable. These situations are called “triggers,” because they trigger the onset of symptoms. While people with the same mental disorder may share similar triggers, triggers can also be highly individual.  My triggers include claustrophobia, things near my face or throat and feeling as though any expression of my feelings is wrong, not welcome, will be punished in some way (withholding of affection, ending of friendship, etc).

Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Relapse-and-relapse-prevention.html#ixzz2Vj6faFes

Boundaries stem from a sense of self-worth and personal values.  They embody both a way of being and an expectation of how others should treat us.  My boundaries include room to move, time and space to process my own thoughts without undue pressure to respond before I am ready and not being expected to only deal with the needs of others to the detriment of my own.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/10/importance-of-boundary-setting-in-recovery/

 LESSON 5:  Boundaries that are not respected can BECOME triggers. 

Especially for those who have survived abuse, the disrespect of boundaries can feel like another violation and become a trigger for flashbacks and/or panic.

LESSON 6:  Those who don’t respect clearly and politely stated boundaries are not people you can count on to respect YOU.

LESSON 7:  I need to be given a chance to process information and environmental feedback before being expected to respond.

Demanding an immediate response when stimuli is nonstop (constant chatter, noise, yelling, crying, snarkiness etc.) only plays into the overwhelm even more.  If a response is needed, please ask if I need a moment of quiet or space to think.

LESSON 8:  Mental health stigma is more hurtful when tossed out by a fellow sufferer. Every person has a bias of some sort.

ACTION STEPS FOR DEALING WITH BOUNDARIES & TRIGGERS

1.  Verbalize and enforce your boundaries.  Clearly state what you need.   If you are at the mercy of another, try to level the playing field by taking back your power a bit.  If you are unable to negotiate a mutually affirming environment, focus on deep breathing and progressive relaxation.

2.  Remove yourself physically from the situation.  If a person or place are making you uncomfortable, move or do some exercise to change the energy in the space.

3.  When all else fails, remove the person or situation from your life.  Sometimes the only solution is to remove the toxic factors.

Remember, the only obligation you have is to yourself and your well-being.  All else is secondary.  Above all, love yourself enough to enforce your own limits.

© 2013 Paulissa Kipp

Spending Time With Mother (Nature)

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Spending Time With Mother (Nature)

 Today is Mother’s Day in the United States.  A day to thank Mom for all she has done to bear us, for the sacrifices, the love, the meals, the guidance and for her presence.  Mother’s Day has a long and interesting history.  Mother’s Day began as a progressive movement advocated for by a handful of activist women.

  1. In 1858, when Anna Reese Jarvis, a young Appalachian homemaker, organized “Mother’s Work Days” to improve the sanitation and avert deaths from disease-bearing insects and seepage of polluted water.  Anna began giving carnations to mothers in her Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia.
  2. In 1872, when Boston poet, pacifist and women’s suffragist Julia Ward Howe established a special day for mothers –and for peace– not long after the bloody Franco-Prussian War.
  3. In 1905, when Anna Jarvis died. Her daughter, also named Anna, decided to memorialize her mother’s lifelong activism, and began a campaign that culminated in 1914 when Congress passed a Mother’s Day resolution.

As the years progressed and commercialization of the holiday began to take over Jarvis’ original intent that the day be an intimate affair between mother and child(ren), Jarvis came to be disappointed in those who sought to monetize love and loyalty.

Source:  http://www.nwhp.org/news/history_of_mothersday.php

As the parade of pastel cards, memorials, tributes to Mom, flowers, dinner and even gardening centers benefit from the day, my thoughts turn to those for whom the day has a different meaning.  Those for whom Mother was not a nurturer, but the source of abuse and neglect.  For those persons, Mother’s Day can be a source of high anxiety and sadness.

For years, Mother’s Day has been a source of sadness and anxiety for me for a number of reasons:  My mother abandoned me at 8 months old, my grandmother and grandfather raised me and my grandmother was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive.  Mom, while occasionally present, really only dealt with me when there was a new relationship in her world.  I am incapable of having children of my own due to endometriosis and the resultant hysterectomy, so the opportunity to be a better mother than my mother(s) is gone.  As I near 50 years old, raising a child is impractical.  I was raised by parents who were in their late 60s when I came along; I know the disadvantages to both parties of that arrangement.

For those of us with abusive backgrounds, the saccharine sentiments on Hallmark cards don’t apply to us:

 

“You have always been there for me.” Huh? No.

“Thank you for always listening to me.” No.

“A mother is a gift from God forever.” No, I didn’t feel that at all.

“A mother sacrifices for her child.” That doesn’t work when mom abandons you at 8 months old and  your grandmother who raised you was abusive.

“Thank you for your love.” I only felt her “love” when there was a new man to show me off to.

So. . .what to do about this Mother’s Day thing.  This year, I will celebrate in a way that affirms me.  Today, I will spend time with Mother Nature.  I will walk with her, hold her in my hands, drink of her perfume, marvel at her beauty and the way she supports me, the way she has given me life and nourishment.  I will allow her to love me and me her.  Today, I will love Mother in a way I have never before.  I will define Mother in my own way and she will bring me peace.

© 2013 Paulissa Kipp

Bumblings of A Busy Brain

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© 2013 Paulissa Kipp, All rights reserved

This piece is a response to a journaling prompt.  The prompt:  Engage in a conversation with an organ of your body.  What would you ask it?  What would that organ have to tell you?

I chose my brain since it is sooooooo noisy some days.  The result is a humorous, yet accurate depiction of life inside my mind.  Yes, I really DO think in song lyrics.

Brain:   Ob-la-di, ob-la-da life goes on brah La la how the life goes on Ob-la-di, ob-la-da life goes on brah La la how the life goes on

Me:  Life goes on and we learn.  Why must you ALWAYS think in song lyrics?
Brain: My friend, I think in song and sonnet, harmony and melody, in Plato, Voltaire, Emerson, Thoreau and Shakespeare.  I am tthe essence of personality.  I create reality.  As we think, so we are.  “I just wannabe mad for awhileeeeee. . .”
Me:  Mad?  I’m not even angry!  Have you lost your mind?  Oh wait, , ,SHUT UP, ALREADY!
Brain:  “Honey hush, you know you talk too much.  You talk in the morning talk all damn day. . .so honey hush. . .
Money honey or honey hush.  What are negligent torts?  What IS that #!* noise?  What is for dinner?  Oh look!  A wild turkey outside the window!  Hmmm. . .too bad it isn’t Thankgiving.”
Me:  Slow down!  How do you expect me to concentrate?
Brain:  “Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make the morning last
Just kickin’ down the cobble-stones, lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy.”
Me:  Move!   You’re standing too close to me.
Brain:  “Don’t stand, don’t stand, don’t stand so close to me. . .”
Me:  Shut up and let me rest!
Brain:  Somewhere Over the Rainbow. . .
Me:  Now that’s more like it.

For a little extra fun, here are links to the songs above:

Obla dihttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJhcGepfG04

I Just Wanna Be Mad : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYjO-L48ZQQ

Feeling Groovyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJBhdKrwTOc

Don’t Stand So Close to Mehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNIZofPB8ZM

Honey Hushhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lg9VPEQQ60

Money Honeyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8oNHMNCSjQ

Somewhere Over the Rainbowhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8

Time to Break Through The Wall of Silence

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Time to Break The Wall of Silence

Okey dokey,

I am feeling verrryyyyyy vulnerable but I know that I am amongst friends so it is time to talk because I am processing a lottttttttt of information but I am committed to authentically facing the challenges and joys in my life.  Here goes:  We have finally arrived at an official mental health diagnosis and it is a bit much to take in.  Here it is:  PTSD/anxiety disorder/adult ADD/bipolar disorder.  I hit every single hallmark for all of the above.  Damn dirty over-achiever lol.  While there is some relief in having terms to place on the manifestations -racing thoughts, the panic, the inability to concentrate, the need to escape, the triggering of fight/flight responses, the anger, the highs, lows, in-betweens and bone-crushing exhaustion – there is also a good amount of apprehension.  That age-old question of what now and how will this affect my ability to achieve the big things I want to do with my life rises up from the deep.  Panic begets panic and looking inward for too long causes implosion on my part.

Soooooooo. . .I choose to look outward; to help where I can, to know that I am worth doing the me-work that will establish better balance and well-being.  I know that the gift of mental illness is that if I am self-aware, it teaches me to actively practice self-care.  I have lots of thoughts and a few fears tonight since each diagnoses manifests worry or angst in me in a different fashion.

PTSD:  manifests itself in alarm, easy startling, a fight response when others enter my personal space uninvited

Anxiety disorder: manifests itself when least expected and is lower if I know that I only have to get through ____ amount of time in a given situation and then I either won’t have to face it again at all or won’t have to face it anytime soon.  Ramps up if there is a stressor that I have to endure regularly.  Still, I believe that exposure therapy is sometimes helpful.

ADD:  Manifests itself by scattering my thoughts, affecting my short term memory and making long periods of intense concentration impossible because I just want to escape.  Necessary tasks are more difficult due to the inability to concentrate.

BIPOLAR DISORDER:  Manifests itself with high and low energy.  During the highs, my energy and mood are boundless.  I am able to multitask well during those periods.  During the lows, the muscle pain is very palpable, exhaustion reigns and it takes everything I have to be any modicum of productive.

Welcome to my world.  Yet I’m here.  Learning. Working. Making a difference and hoping that sharing honestly not only helps me to understand myself but for others to understand that facing life with a mental illness does not mean we are weak but rather that we are courageous as hell.

 

Tips for Lovingly Communicating with a Depressed Person

© Paulissa Kipp, 2013

Tips for Loving Communication with a Mentally Ill Person

  • Don’t tell your loved one that how he or she feels is “selfish”.  You wouldn’t tell someone that he or she doesn’t deserve to feel ______ amount of happiness.  It’s the same concept, really.
  • If your loved one asks you to stop a behavior because it is causing anxiety, is a trigger, etc, STOP immediately.  Your failure to do so speaks volumes about your love for the sufferer.  Not immediately stopping the behavior ramps up the anxieties even more and when your partner believes you cannot be trusted, all bets are off.  The mind wanders to self-doubt, lack of self-worth, wondering why am I not important enough to respect or protect, suicidal thoughts, thought of self-harm and more.
  • Do not mock your partner when he or she asks for you to stop talking and listen, when told that your noise (radio, voice, etc) is overwhelming.  Do not be facetious.  Do not say things such as “Do I need to send up a flare every time I enter a room because you startle so easily?”  That is not helpful and merely drives a bigger wedge between you and your partner.
  • Do not feign ignorance and say “I didn’t know ______ was a trigger for you” if your partner has clearly communicated that it is.  Your partner isn’t buying it.  Forgetting is understandable from time to time, but your partner will pay attention to pattern and frequency.  Forgetting and do a behavior once in a month or less frequently – you are more likely to be forgiven or believed.  Do it more frequently and it seems like a choice and recklessness with your partner’s feelings and wishes.
  • Beginning a statement with “Why?” can be a trigger for your loved one.  We want people to treat us with kindness, even if they don’t understand our actions. Having to explain to people solves nothing and has the effect of making your loved one feel judged, thereby adding to stigma and anxiety.
  • Beginning a statement with “just” as if it the desired behavior is simple to achieve and your loved one isn’t making an effort to change or cope.
  • “Just think positive.”
    “Just get over it.”
    “Just think about something else.”
    “There are people who are worse off than you.”
    “Stop complaining.”
    “Come on. It cannot be this bad.”
    “Cheer up.”
    “You are making it up.”
    “You don’t have a reason to feel that way, so stop it.”
    “Stop being so selfish.”
  • Comparing one person’s circumstances to your loved ones’.  If your loved one needs inspiration for succeeding with a mental illness, he or she will find it on his or her own.  Your attempts, while well-intentioned, may create further overwhelm.
  • If offering self-help books, frame your offer in terms of “You may find this information helpful.”  If your loved one refuses, graciously allow that to be the end of the conversation.

MORE LOVING WAYS TO COMMUNICATE:

  • Ask what you can do to help.  At times your loved one may need silence, sleep, a massage, music, a hug, a mug of tea, etc.  Do what you can to facilitate that.
  • Offer affection.
  • Let your loved one know that you are concerned FOR him or her, not scared OF him or her.
  • Communicate to your loved one that his or her challenges do not affect your love for that person.  Many sufferers worry that their challenges will lead to abandonment by friends and family.

©Paulissa Kipp, 2013.  Please share freely with a link to this blog and proper acknowledgement of me as the author.

As a sufferer or one living with a sufferer, is there anything you would add to this list?  Leave a comment below and let me know.

 

The Witch Hunting of the Mentally Ill

Like many others, I have been processing the events of Sandy Hook on many different levels.  There are many thoughts and emotions involved when something so incomprehensible occurs.

I process events such as these on many levels:

1.  As a law student, I understand the legal requirements of gun ownership/control and the rights of the mentally ill.  On a legislative level, I would like to see the following:  If a person has a diagnosed mental illness, understands said mental illness and has RX medication and chooses not to take said medication and then commits a crime which causes bodily harm to another, I believe at that point the not guilty by reason of insanity defense should come off the table.  If one is coherent to choose not to take meds that will stabilize his/her illness or seek a dr. for a better tolerated medication, he/she is coherent enough to have chosen to commit the act and is therefore responsible.

2.  As the aunt of a 1, 2, 4 and 6 yr old, I feel the loss of potential and dreams that the parents and loved ones of these children held so dear.

3.  As a person unable to bear children, I am sometimes feel relieved that I have no children of my own to be fearful for.

4.  As one who struggles with mental illness and provides services to those with mental illness, I feel the stigma and stereotypes of society when public outcry screams “psycho, crazy, moron, wingnut, sicko” etc before all of the facts are even available.  Even after those facts are revealed, the terms don’t need to be used.  If it were any other illness, we wouldn’t use those terms.  That is akin to calling someone overweight “fatty, bertha butt, a sloth etc”.  It doesn’t help meaningful conversation.  Verbage matters.

Terminology such as that listed above only serves to create another Salem witch hunt in which those struggling and under a microscope while society waits for us to fall on our faces or to magically be cured occurs.  There is a prevailing sense of entitlement that society has to use any term that helps them process things within their comfort zone but using slurs will not help us to have the conversations that we need to have about mental health access (and the lack thereof), the cost of mental health care, screening for mental health issues, etc.  We only serve to push the mentally ill further into themselves or to create even more anxiety and resentment.  It is not useful.

I have seen and engaged in a number of conversations over the past few days in which the OPs have used such terms.  These are people that I love and respect ( a little less so in recent days but that will pass).  Free speech being what it is, I have no desire to shut down important conversations but merely discuss the issues without the name-calling.

At any given moment, none of us know all of the facts and to judge a DEAD person based upon an incomplete set of facts (investigators just now are trying to subpoena medical records and in recent days, it has come to light that the mother was going for conservatorship so that she could have the shooter committed so he could get the treatment he needed).  This mother did what she felt was best, including homeschooling her son and being solely responsible for him.  Perhaps she didn’t get him treatment as soon as the rest of us would have liked, but we don’t know what all she DID do to try to help him.  Society playing armchair quarterback, judge, jury and psychologist will not help.  Only by engaging in loving conversations and including those with mental illness in the conversations about mental health reform will things change.  Name-calling and perpetuating stigma and stereotypes won’t get us there.

Yes, I am hurt by the conversations.  Yes, I process them differently than one without my background but I speak for millions of your fellow brothers and sisters.  If you have read this far, thank you for reading.    Yes, I am angry so I needed to say these things.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. . .

 

World Mental Health Day

World Mental Health Day

Depression affects more than 350 million people of all ages, in all communities, and is a significant contributor to the global burden of disease. Although there are known effective treatments for depression, access to treatment is a problem in most countries and in some countries fewer than 10% of those who need it receive such treatment.

Today is a day to get screened, reach out for help or to help someone else and be aware that any given moment our mental health can be affected by internal or external forces.

Are you depressed?  I use this checklist during times of high stress to help keep things in check and to decide when I need professional help.  Sharing it in the hopes that it might help someone else.

http://www.suicideforum.com/bdc/index.html

Resources for Help:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Above all, know that you ARE enough, that you are loved and that the most courageous thing you can do is to love yourself more than you love others.  Getting to know yourself is a brave step, dear one.  I will hold your hand while you take it.

Please, please when speaking to someone you believe may be depressed, refrain from using the “Enough of Depression” by telling the person that if he/she only ______ enough, everything will be OK.  It isn’t as simple as that.

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Enough of Depression

Depression
A rut
A period of time
An economic downturn
A time of sadness or challenge

Enough
A feeling of being satisfied
A lack of need

The convergence of depression and enough brings stigma

If we simply prayed enough
Played enough
Slept enough
Believed enough
Were enough
Everything would be OK
If we just
ENOUGH

© 2012 Paulissa Kipp

I am a Curious Lens Goddess, Writer and Artist documenting the world – the beautiful, curious and often overlooked.  I see the infinitely layered world not only with my eyes, but most importantly, with my heart. Find me on Google+:  https://plus.google.com/116071275946594200077?rel=author

 

Enough of Depression

Be Careful Who You Open Up To. Image via tumblr_mar527vakl1rhn3d3o1_500.jpg

This message brought to you by. . .Depression.  I struggle from time to time with depression.  Even when not readily visible, it lurks in the shadows ready to remind me that self-care and self-love are vital.  Depression is a multi-faceted experience.  It is a word with multiple meanings and the experience varies widely from person to person.  The stigma of depression is very real and palpable.  Bias abounds.  Those who have not experienced depression believe they have the magic pill for we who DO experience it.  If we only _________ enough, everything will be fine.  Suck it up, everyone has tough days.  Sure, everyone has tough days but for those of us with depression, a tough day might mean that we have spent the entire day running through our coping mechanisms to no avail, reached out to people for support and be abandoned in mid-sentence because the listener is “too busy” or we need too much.  A bad day for the depressed might mean a day of tears, screaming, cutting, violence, suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation.  A bad day is not simply a bad day as non-sufferers think.

The hazard of recovery is that one’s needs are poo-pooed.  Recovery occurs at varying rates.  What gets lost in translation is that triggers always remain and will sometimes appear when we least expect them.  Recovery does not mean never experiencing a panic attack again, never being overwhelmed by internal or external forces.  Recovery means self-awareness and reduced frequency of crises.

Therefore, the hazard is the ENOUGH of depression.  Where is the healthy side of enough?

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Enough of Depression

DEPRESSION
A rut
A period of time

An economic downturn
A time of sadness or challenge

ENOUGH
A feeling of being satisfied
A lack of need
The convergence of depression and enough brings stigma
If we simply prayed enough
Played enough
Slept enough
Believed enough
Were enough
Everything would be OK
If we just
ENOUGH    
© 2012 by Paulissa Kipp
I am a Curious Lens Goddess, Writer and Artist documenting the world – the beautiful, curious and often overlooked.  I see the infinitely layered world not only with my eyes, but most importantly, with my heart. Find me on Google+https://plus.google.com/116071275946594200077?rel=author